Farewell Grandmom...

Grand mom passed away day before yesterday (21st Jan) after a year long struggle with bad health. A life lived well. Full of dignity, hard work and pride. 

Despite bad weather and two flight cancellations I was fortunate enough to reach Allahabad to perform the last rites as per Hindu belief at the bank of river Ganges. After a long series of rituals (mostly symbolic) that are to be followed in the Hindu way of cremation was able to gain insight into the deeper meaning attached to a few of them. I only pray and hope that she finds liberation from the cycle of birth and death and moves to a higher level of consciousness.

May her soul rest in peace.

Lack of Words...

Prelude: Thanks to Shibani, a post that had been incomplete for months, giving me blank stars and mocking me whenever I booted up my laptop, has finally come to a logical conclusion and ready to be posted.

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Wondered why when we bump into someone whom we have been out of touch with since ages, the conversation starts almost on the same note-

How have you been ?

Good. How about you ?

Fine.

So what’s up, its been really a while since we last spoke.

Yeah. True. So what’s up?

Well, nothing much.

How is job going ?

Good. And yours?

Well some rough patches here and there, but smooth sail most of the time.

Good. And how is your girlfriend (or boyfriend or significant other)

Chal raha hai.

Lets sit sometime and catch up like old times.

Sure would love to do that.

(exchange of contact info)

(Goodbyes)

And then never bothering to get in touch again.

I am not sure about the rest of the people, but this surely happens with me a lot of times. And these are the same people who at one point of time were the closest college, school, classes or building buddies. With the passing of time one just gets busy with ones own life.

Well can actually categorise them into three possible reasons for this- first, Genuine lack of interest and little common ground, we all change with time so our interests, hobbies too could change thus leaving the commonalities behind; second, there are new additions into our world the toll of work & pressure that come alongside which takes away a major portion of our time, then comes the significant other, not to miss out the family & some new friends. The older ones just drift apart for no specific reasons. It just happens!!! Third, so much water has passed down the bridge that you really don’t know where to start.

Well there are times when I can actually categorise some of my old friends into all of these scenarios. A chance phone conversation with an old school pal who in school was my best friend made me realize we have grown into very different people & with absolutely different interests left me wondering how?? the conversation just did not move ahead from the regular exchange of pleasantries. I did whine about it a little while…but then was back to my normal self coz the absence or presence of this long lost friend of mine would not make a difference to my world now.

So many times I have faced something which is a mix of the second and third situation. Even when I met up with someone who was really a good friend at one point of time and I really want to share all that life has been through since we last met, don’t really know where to start from. But we did manage to gather the past & voila…it was just like old times…& this has happened not once but a couple of times & we just manage to pick up from where we left last..,

Leaves me with a thought what’s going to be like say five years down the line? Will I be writing another blog post about how I have outgrown the current people in my life or will some stay all along and some drift away?

Only time can answer this one!!!

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PS: Shibani- We should be having such random conversations more often :)

Silence...

Finally after more than a week of wait, I am publishing this chain of thoughts as it is. There are too many missing links in the flow and too much has been left unsaid. However, I believe letting it stay back any longer is not going to solve the purpose. So here goes one more post in an attempt to understand myself and my experiment with silence. I think I have forewarned enough about the incoherence of thoughts and expressions to explain further J

For most of us silence is a very unsettling experience. Especially if it is for a prolonged period of time. We tend to re-act to silence by trying to run away from it the best we can. Ironically as it might be but silence makes us more restless and fidgety. I for one for a major part have been that ways.

Only off late have noticed a gradual change in me from being uncomfortable and afraid of it I have been moving towards phases of mindful silence. I call it so because these are phases when I am merely an observant. Fully aware and being passive (by choice), just letting silence unroll.

It has not been an easy roll out till date. The emotional turmoil which I am going through keeps coming to the surface, resulting in a struggle between keeping peace and once again letting the vicious chain of thoughts take control.

Just came across this sentence in a book on Zen Buddhism –

Mindfulness is an energy that can hold the suffering, the anger, the despair, if you know how to hold your suffering for long enough, you get relief.

After going through a prolonged period of suffering and being emotionally drained out in the last few months, my only hope is letting silence take control and show me the path of healing. Putting these thoughts into words has not been an easy task for me. Being an introvert, all my struggles and conflicts as well as the source of their solution always lies inside. However this time I know this is not going to work for me. I am gathering the courage to bring it out step by step. I seek solutions and understanding which lies beyond me and bring the lost harmony.

Hunger...

life becomes so boring and meaningless when you are not hungry... both in metaphorical and literal sense :P

Trek to Torna...

13 Spetember 2009 - Trek to Torna

Trek to Torna

Dictionary...

The cynic in me, that usually lies dormant or atleast undercover suddenly raised in all its glory this sunday morning and asked me - 

When things stop making sense and start to loose meaning, is it time to buy a dictionary ?

Any answers :P

Miss you dad...

Its that day of the year which I think about and keep promising to handle in a different and more mature way. Yet the gush of feelings and raw emotions is too strong to be in control.

Its been sixteen years, yet I miss you dad.

People say time heals, yet thats one thing that never seems to work for me. Life to me at times seems nothing more than a journey marred by wounds and scars. A recent setback also validated the same.

The only recourse that I do find is in diverting my mind to other things. That seems to work for me most of the times. And other times, I have found comfort in just letting me be myself, letting my feeling surface and coming to terms with my reality.

Over the years the only difference that I found in myself is that now I no longer try to escape. I am learning to face my self, my loss and my pain.

Perception of Perfection

Someone close to me wrote during a series of intermittentent conversations -

there is nothing perfect in this word..but when u have your own perception of perfection in your mind then life becomes very difficult becoz then its really difficult to adjust in other scenario which according to one is not perfect

So what really should we change, our definition of perception or our perception ?

Any suggestions ???

Reflection in the mirror...

Often even the mirror doesn’t show the reality. We only see what we want to see. It is our perception that we see in the mirror. And perception is nothing more than our interpretation of everything within us and beyond. The looking glass through which we choose to see both the inside and the outside world. If the world seems to have turned sepia all of a sudden, it is because of the tinted lens that we put on and not due to change in world order.

The same holds true for relationships and the way we choose to connect with the world. If we are empty from inside then no matter how complete the other person is, all that we will see is portions of his/ her that are empty too. The glass will always seem to be half empty. The world around us will always seem to have a void. A no matter how hard we attempt to fill the void by filling it with more and more companionship, activities and actions, the feeling of emptiness is going to remain there, forever. And gradually when all our attempts start to fail, we start to head towards despair and hopelessness starts to crop in from all spheres.

The only way to end this misery is look inwards, and accept oneself. Accept oneself for the person we are, for the past we had, our current and past relations, and for all that that constitutes a part of our being. It is only when start the process of accepting and becoming at peace with oneself that we will start to understanding things in a wider perspective and start to appreciate things that form a part of external reality.

And it is only after reaching this stage that we can start to look for a meaning and fulfilling relationship. One which does not bind us down and lead us to despair, but instead, liberates us and pushes us up towards greater heights of love and happiness.

Transient thoughts...

A thought crossed my mind last night -

As long as things keep moving, perceptions don't matter, they are subjective.

At times we are so bogged down by current realities, that we tend to miss out on the bigger picture and the scheme of things from a larger perspective. The only way to get out of the rut of negativity is let a bit of hope slip in and allow things to take there own course.

Bhagwad Gita (Chapter 2, Verse 14) explains the transient nature of the mind (and how to deal with it) in a very beautiful manner-

matra-sparshas tu kaunteya, sitosna-sukha-duhkha-dah
agamapayino ’nityas, tams titiksasva bharata

Translation: O son of Kunti, the nonpermanent appearance of happiness and distress, and their disappearance in due course, are like the appearance and disappearance of winter and summer seasons. They arise from sense perception, O scion of Bharata, and one must learn to tolerate them without being disturbed.