Happy every day (including Valentines' day)

"...to make a leap for real love, you don’t need much more than a twelve anna  sari and a moving train", thus ends this simple and heartfelt article - 1941 - A love story or Why you don't need Valentine's Day on Firstpost.com. There is also an audio clip at the end of the article in which Mrs. Debika Ghosh (on whom the article is based) talks about her experience. I have very limited and rudimentary understanding of Bangla, but still could sense from the firmness in her voice how vivid are the memories in her mind of things that happened more than 70 years ago and how strong the 90 years young lady still is.

As I sit for my daily dose of semi-voyeuristic pleasure from the public posts on Facebook (thank you Facebook for making it so public and convenient. And hence redeeming a billion people from the guilt and embarrassment of being caught in the recent visitor lists which use to exist in the painful and pre-historic times of Orkut), the thought that crosses my mind is, people are so caught up in the frenzy of celebrating and offcourse letting the world know in almost real time about it through the status updates, that do they actually have time to realise and relish real love. 

I for one, still derive comfort from many beautiful, timeless and often contradictory notions of love which are not bound by any specific day of the year. Sharing the ones with whom I strongly relate to - 

“To say ‘I love you’ one must know first how to say the ‘I.’” The Fountainhead - Ayn Rand

"Love is painful because it transforms. Love is mutation. Each transformation is going to be painful because the old has to be left for the new. The old is familiar, secure, safe, the new is absolutely unknown." - Osho

"Love is not a thing that can be planned and cultivated; it cannot be bought through sacrifice or through worship. There is no means to love. The search for a means must come to an end for love to be. The spontaneous shall know the beauty of love, but to pursue it ends freedom. To the free alone is there love, but freedom never directs, never holds. Love is its own eternity." - Jiddu Krishnamurti 

Musings

"Is life meant to be rational and linear? Or is it just us trying to retrofit our ideals, illusions and delusions into everything we touch and see?" - AT

TGIS

Wonderful lunch, a lazy saturday afternoon spent sleeping and in random nothingness followed again by some delicious home cooked dinner is all it takes to break the monotony of thoughts, anxiety and so many vicious circles that I tend to tangle myself in. I am glad to have discovered and realized this :)

Friday Rambling

Just when friday is dragging endlessly and I have already been bombarded by 39 emails (addressed directly to me, not counting the ones on which make I wonder why have I been marked in the first place), continuous flow of phone calls and vendor meetings, I come across a classic from Woody Allen

"Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem" - Woody Allen 

So what should I do when I have 30 more mins to go before the (office) day and (office) week ends and I realise that I have finally and unfortunately understood. And not just one understanding but have become a fountainhead of realization and that if I continue at this pace, might be hitting self-actualization much sooner than I intend to. After much deliberation, i.e. all that I can think in 2 mins flat, I decide. A decision that's so elegant and simple.

Put the "Add reminder" feature in Outlook to the best use, set a dozen reminders for the week ahead and with a freshly dry-cleaned conscience take a coffee break :P

Living on love and fresh air

Simple living still exits in the times of consumerism. Was reminded of this fact and an article which I had read a couple of years back -  http://www.downtoearth.org.in/node/3187  when I saw a similar article link posted on a friend's gtalk status message.

Although this kind of lifestyle is not possible in its entirety, however taking some inspiration from it and simplifying our lives, rather reducing our list of must-have things without which we think the world will cease to exist, is the very least that we can do.

Thanks once again Piu for posting the link :)  

Lessons

Why does life keep teaching me lessons which I never want / intend / wish to learn in the first place. 

This is one question that has kept intriguing me since a very long time. And every time a "learning" is added, it leaves me even more perplexed. An optimistic view will be to use each such instance as a learning. Extract something out of it, ruminate over it and add to your collective experience database. A pessimistic view will be to look up towards the sky and shriek "Why Me?". And then there is an entire gamut of people having a opinion which hangs somewhere in between.

However I have a viewpoint which doesn't fit into this continuum. At time I feel tired of the free and uncalled for (over)dose of adventures and wish for a dull and boring phase in my life. Is that too much to wish for ?

Vicarious Happiness

Osho says - To know that all has failed is the beginning of a new journey. To know that "All that I have achieved is lost" is the beginning of a new search for something that cannot be lost. When one is utterly disillusioned with the world and all its successes, only then one becomes spiritual.

New (Year) Musings...

In an attempt to follow the broad based trend and to reinforce the pretense of being intelligent and a thinker, tried to reflect on the year gone by. This effort lasted for almost a fortnight. Jotted a few thoughts (read: some scrambled sentences) over this span. But it all turned out to be too random to be joined together and to be claimed coherent :P

So I decided to do something else, instead to trying to make so sense of everything past, trying to think of what are the things on which I can channelize my thoughts and energy in the year ahead. 

Its been a really long since the last time I wrote a new year resolution. However, as strange as it sound, this time around felt an inner urge to list a few goals towards I ought to be working on. Here are a few things on which I would like to focus in the year 2011 -

• Clear the clutter - There is a cobweb of thoughts that have been just there, have not taken too much effort to confront them. High time now to come out of this cognitive lethargy. Also, keep going in the effort to organize my financial paperwork.
• Think simple - Like I mentioned in my previous post, its often we who complicate the situation by adding our own coloured interpretations. In both, my personal and financial life, will try to control this as much as possible. 
• Live simple - To fill all the space that is created by simple thoughts and de-cluttering, with things that I enjoy to do the most.Creating a "personal space", reading regularly, listening to good music.
• Write more - Writing has been cathartic for me. Unfortunately last year lost the flow and also at times simply didn't put the effort. Will require the help of a few of my dear friends who have been a regular reader of this blog. Need them to give me the push required to get the flow back when I am stubborn and lazy.

Happy New Year - 2011

Reactions...

Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you respond to it - Anonymous

Came across this thought, liked it in the first instance. Posted it as my Gtalk status message. This is one statement which pretty much summarizes my life learnings (if such a term exists, else I lay my claim to it :)

This has been my biggest take-away from life. No matter what the circumstances, its how we choose to respond to it that really matters. In the hind-sight when I look at so many events in life which were breakthrough, which really helped me to come out of my mental blocks and move in a different (often radical and tangential) direction, it was not the external factors but the internal ones that helped the most. What amazed me was that, in most cases, the external circumstances were exactly the same, and yet the choice (mostly taken without much forethought) that I took which mattered and made all the difference. This makes me also realize that, we act so confident, wise and intelligent, when talking about things of the past.

Trek to Harishchandgad

Trek to Harishchandgad

One more trek completed in this month :)

I had heard and read a lot of reviews about Harishchandgad, which is the located in the Malshej Ghat and is the second highest peak in the Shayadri range. Upon getting an invite for the trek I was both excited and apprehensive. Excited because I had really enjoyed my last trek with V Hikerz. And apprehensive as the trek had been classified as “medium to tough” by most of the trekkers who had blogged about it. Well aware of my current state of fitness I was in a state of doubt and flux whether I should go for it or not. Ultimately after weighing my options and have a brief discussion with Varun and Samiir, who pep talked me out of it, decided to take the plunge.

After my last trek I had promised myself to be in a slightly better shape and be more regular at Gym. However, that wasn’t supposed to be. In the span between my last trek and this one (which was two weeks) , I went to the gym a grand total of two times L
And also the night before we had to start, I arrived late from work and for some odd reason decided to give sleep a miss :P

So on Friday night, with one night out and a complete day at work and a confused body clock headed to Dadar. We took the last local train to Kalyan at 12:55. From Kalyan we took the first bus out and reached the starting point. I slept through most part of the bus ride and missed most of the view, the only thing that I remembered was the chilly breeze that kept hitting me and how desperately it tried to sleep in the rollercoaster bus ride. We reached the start point (Khubi Phata, Khireshwar Village- Malshej Ghat) within three hours. Where we were greeted by an amazing view of the valley and pleasant sunshine.

I can divide this entire trek into three parts-
· Initial Ascent – Khireshwar to Tolar Khid
· Rock Patch (which will be the focal point of this post)
· Final Walk

Initial Ascent – Motivated by scenic beauty, amazing breeze and a hearty breakfast, we started the trek. The initial part was fairly easy. Walking through the jungle amidst ample shade was a fairy enjoyable experience.

Rocky Patch - After about an hour and half we reached the point from where the rocky patch started. This was the part of the trek about which I was very apprehensive, the reason being I am a bit scared of open heights. There were ample stories about this patch that I read online. So my anxiety started to shoot the moment we reached here.

Now let me digress a bit.

Trekking is something I have been thinking about and had always aspired to do. My past trek experiences have made me realize how I need to work on developing more physical stamina and overcoming my fear for open heights to become a regular trekker. I have decided to use these two reasons as a motivation to stretch and challenge myself.

The only way to fight your deepest fear is to confront it and be ready to put yourself to the test. The rock patch at Harishchandgad made me precisely do that. I had this open rock patch which became steeper as we progressed and top it we had a deep valley just behind us. The view was intimidating and the very thought – one slip and ….. (didn’t have the nerve to complete the sentence) left me frozen.

The moment of confrontation had come and I knew that there was no turning back from it. I started to take deep breaths and completely focusing on my footsteps, handgrips and weight balancing.

The thing that I find funny and ironic about myself is I tend think, panic, fret so much before starting something challenging. Usually after making the plunge these is barely anytime for cognitive diligence and all that remains is pure action.

In this case since the situation was much more primal, me against the brute and unforgiving forces of nature, I had to focus every bit of my energy to the task in hand, which by the way was – walking :P

The intensity of the focus that I have experienced while negotiating such rock patches over the past few treks has been beyond comparison. It made me realize that we have such a negative connotation of the word “fear”. Little do we realize that at times fear can drive us to achieve what we would never have done otherwise. It helps us stretch and challenge ourselves and all the boundaries that we have imposed on ourselves.

Reminded me of the voice over of a soft drink commercial –

Dar sabko lagta hai
Gala sabka sukhta hai
Dar se mat daro
Dar ke aage
badho
Kyonki darr ke aage jeet hai

Which loosely translates to –

Every feels afraid
Everyone’s throat parches
Don’t be afraid of
fear
March ahead of it
Because beyond fear lies victory

So after overpowering my internal fears and successfully negotiating the rock patch, reached a plateau and started the third phase of the trek.

Final Walk – This part of the trek consisted of walking up and down seven hillocks. It is during this phase that the exertion of the trek started to show its affect and to make things worse the sun was at its peak, with very little shade available. The terrain was mostly rocky and flat. We had to take more frequent breaks. My shoulders started to hurt, due to the weight of the backpack. This patch took us little more than an hour to complete.

We were so glad to reach the final destination. We found a perfect cave for us to stay, a helpful village couple who assured us to take care of our belongings and cook for us at night. Enjoyed the wonderful sunset at Konkankada (which is a sheer cliff with a vertical drop of 1700 feet, which gives an awesome view of the Malshej Ghat) and got a chance to click some nice snaps.

For the descent we were able to find a route that was much less strenuous. It was via Pachnai. It took us less than an hour to descent. From the base village we boarded a State Transport bus to Rajur and then book a jeep from there upto Kasara. From Kasara it was a local train journey via Dadar to Borivali.

I reached home tired, exhausted, without a bath for two days, still feeling recharged and motivated from within :)

Thanks V Hikerz for planning such an amazing trek and also making me a part of it.

Now my next target – Do some monsoon treks in the Sahyadris

Lack of Words...

Prelude: Thanks to Shibani, a post that had been incomplete for months, giving me blank stars and mocking me whenever I booted up my laptop, has finally come to a logical conclusion and ready to be posted.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wondered why when we bump into someone whom we have been out of touch with since ages, the conversation starts almost on the same note-

How have you been ?

Good. How about you ?

Fine.

So what’s up, its been really a while since we last spoke.

Yeah. True. So what’s up?

Well, nothing much.

How is job going ?

Good. And yours?

Well some rough patches here and there, but smooth sail most of the time.

Good. And how is your girlfriend (or boyfriend or significant other)

Chal raha hai.

Lets sit sometime and catch up like old times.

Sure would love to do that.

(exchange of contact info)

(Goodbyes)

And then never bothering to get in touch again.

I am not sure about the rest of the people, but this surely happens with me a lot of times. And these are the same people who at one point of time were the closest college, school, classes or building buddies. With the passing of time one just gets busy with ones own life.

Well can actually categorise them into three possible reasons for this- first, Genuine lack of interest and little common ground, we all change with time so our interests, hobbies too could change thus leaving the commonalities behind; second, there are new additions into our world the toll of work & pressure that come alongside which takes away a major portion of our time, then comes the significant other, not to miss out the family & some new friends. The older ones just drift apart for no specific reasons. It just happens!!! Third, so much water has passed down the bridge that you really don’t know where to start.

Well there are times when I can actually categorise some of my old friends into all of these scenarios. A chance phone conversation with an old school pal who in school was my best friend made me realize we have grown into very different people & with absolutely different interests left me wondering how?? the conversation just did not move ahead from the regular exchange of pleasantries. I did whine about it a little while…but then was back to my normal self coz the absence or presence of this long lost friend of mine would not make a difference to my world now.

So many times I have faced something which is a mix of the second and third situation. Even when I met up with someone who was really a good friend at one point of time and I really want to share all that life has been through since we last met, don’t really know where to start from. But we did manage to gather the past & voila…it was just like old times…& this has happened not once but a couple of times & we just manage to pick up from where we left last..,

Leaves me with a thought what’s going to be like say five years down the line? Will I be writing another blog post about how I have outgrown the current people in my life or will some stay all along and some drift away?

Only time can answer this one!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

PS: Shibani- We should be having such random conversations more often :)

Silence...

Finally after more than a week of wait, I am publishing this chain of thoughts as it is. There are too many missing links in the flow and too much has been left unsaid. However, I believe letting it stay back any longer is not going to solve the purpose. So here goes one more post in an attempt to understand myself and my experiment with silence. I think I have forewarned enough about the incoherence of thoughts and expressions to explain further J

For most of us silence is a very unsettling experience. Especially if it is for a prolonged period of time. We tend to re-act to silence by trying to run away from it the best we can. Ironically as it might be but silence makes us more restless and fidgety. I for one for a major part have been that ways.

Only off late have noticed a gradual change in me from being uncomfortable and afraid of it I have been moving towards phases of mindful silence. I call it so because these are phases when I am merely an observant. Fully aware and being passive (by choice), just letting silence unroll.

It has not been an easy roll out till date. The emotional turmoil which I am going through keeps coming to the surface, resulting in a struggle between keeping peace and once again letting the vicious chain of thoughts take control.

Just came across this sentence in a book on Zen Buddhism –

Mindfulness is an energy that can hold the suffering, the anger, the despair, if you know how to hold your suffering for long enough, you get relief.

After going through a prolonged period of suffering and being emotionally drained out in the last few months, my only hope is letting silence take control and show me the path of healing. Putting these thoughts into words has not been an easy task for me. Being an introvert, all my struggles and conflicts as well as the source of their solution always lies inside. However this time I know this is not going to work for me. I am gathering the courage to bring it out step by step. I seek solutions and understanding which lies beyond me and bring the lost harmony.

Hunger...

life becomes so boring and meaningless when you are not hungry... both in metaphorical and literal sense :P

Perception of Perfection

Someone close to me wrote during a series of intermittentent conversations -

there is nothing perfect in this word..but when u have your own perception of perfection in your mind then life becomes very difficult becoz then its really difficult to adjust in other scenario which according to one is not perfect

So what really should we change, our definition of perception or our perception ?

Any suggestions ???

Reflection in the mirror...

Often even the mirror doesn’t show the reality. We only see what we want to see. It is our perception that we see in the mirror. And perception is nothing more than our interpretation of everything within us and beyond. The looking glass through which we choose to see both the inside and the outside world. If the world seems to have turned sepia all of a sudden, it is because of the tinted lens that we put on and not due to change in world order.

The same holds true for relationships and the way we choose to connect with the world. If we are empty from inside then no matter how complete the other person is, all that we will see is portions of his/ her that are empty too. The glass will always seem to be half empty. The world around us will always seem to have a void. A no matter how hard we attempt to fill the void by filling it with more and more companionship, activities and actions, the feeling of emptiness is going to remain there, forever. And gradually when all our attempts start to fail, we start to head towards despair and hopelessness starts to crop in from all spheres.

The only way to end this misery is look inwards, and accept oneself. Accept oneself for the person we are, for the past we had, our current and past relations, and for all that that constitutes a part of our being. It is only when start the process of accepting and becoming at peace with oneself that we will start to understanding things in a wider perspective and start to appreciate things that form a part of external reality.

And it is only after reaching this stage that we can start to look for a meaning and fulfilling relationship. One which does not bind us down and lead us to despair, but instead, liberates us and pushes us up towards greater heights of love and happiness.

Transient thoughts...

A thought crossed my mind last night -

As long as things keep moving, perceptions don't matter, they are subjective.

At times we are so bogged down by current realities, that we tend to miss out on the bigger picture and the scheme of things from a larger perspective. The only way to get out of the rut of negativity is let a bit of hope slip in and allow things to take there own course.

Bhagwad Gita (Chapter 2, Verse 14) explains the transient nature of the mind (and how to deal with it) in a very beautiful manner-

matra-sparshas tu kaunteya, sitosna-sukha-duhkha-dah
agamapayino ’nityas, tams titiksasva bharata

Translation: O son of Kunti, the nonpermanent appearance of happiness and distress, and their disappearance in due course, are like the appearance and disappearance of winter and summer seasons. They arise from sense perception, O scion of Bharata, and one must learn to tolerate them without being disturbed.

Holding on to the past...

Holding on to the past is something we all do.

There are so many intense emotions that are a inseparable part of our memories, that often it’s hard to think about something from the past and separate the feelings associated with the event. And yet whenever we come across someone trying to overcome and recover from something tragic and unfortunate, the only word of advice that we offer is - move on.

At one point of time I was considered by my friends to be a caring people, who use to be ever thoughtful, full advice and suggestions. At that time on innumerable occasions for varied events that occurred in the lives of people around me, the only advice that I had to offer was - move on. And to my surprise it seemed to be working for all but one person. And that person was me.

Gradually, I came to realize that the grand face that I was putting up in front of so many others was merely a facade, a means that I had devised to keep running away from myself. To keep avoiding myself, my thoughts and my feelings. Seemed ironical to me that a person, who kept advising others to accept things as they had happened in the past and move on, was unable to put his own words to practice.

Now when I see myself, I am no longer the person I was a couple of years back. I no longer have the endless list of friends. No longer do I stretch myself and do anything remotely thoughtful. I have turned into a slight introvert. I like to spend time with myself. There are periods of long silence that I often go through and there is nothing grand about them, they don’t carry any spiritual or higher significance. Those are spells in which I merely do not have anything to express or to share with others around me.

I haven't as yet figured out a way to reconcile with a thousand thoughts from my past and the feelings that they invoke whenever they cross my mind. And I am not even remotely close to finding a solution.

Sometimes knowledge can be a burden. You know there is a problem and you know there is a solution to it and you know how to get started and still you are standing still. There is no reason to it. There is no explanation to it.

Nietzsche has said - "He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how".

I stand on the opposite end of it - I am aware of the how but I cannot figure out the why. And this is not just a head spin of the famous quote that I have done here. I have overcome my lack of creative inspiration by borrowing words from a great philosopher and re-arranging them. This is my problem statement.

I think that the only way to get started maybe to start with my personal search for meaning. I don’t think that I am the only one who has encountered this kind of dilemma. No wonder "Who am I?" is the question that people have been asking for centuries.

Storm in a teacup...

It all started with this -





A simple snap taken for a even simpler reason, kill time while sitting in the cafeteria. For some odd reason started to feel good seeing the snap. The elation resulted in a long winding random conversation and a plan.


The plan to have a night out bang in the middle of a work week.


And wonder of all wonders, work stopped trickling earlier than I had expected. A gang of four, pushed off from office early, had a nice easy flowing dinner consisting of an elelectic combination of soup, roasted baby corn, chinese choupsey, pav bhajji, veg chesse pizza, mango milk shake and ice cream. Headed to Prajakta's new rented, spic and span apartment.


Had hours of irrelevent conversation, leg pulling and TV watching. Finally pushed off at 5 am.


This was such a welcome break for me. Only realised its impact when, the very first thing I did after reaching office was to post the following tweet-


getting infected by positivity: had been gasping for breath for long, and suddenly encountered a blast of fresh air... blown off the feet...


A lot of times I have been accused of turning melodramic all of a sudden, for no particular reason. I agree and accept that charge fully without contest. This was my temporary break from sanity, I let my mind wander and I had a blast.

life is...

At times life seems nothing more than a series of rhetorics. Everything seems to be beautifully fitting and yet I am at the loss of understanding. And the mind becoming nothing more than a black box, which records each and every conversation and action, but is at a complete loss to understand as well as derive any shred of sense or meaning out of it.

Facebook says...

After a never ending series of Osho says, for a change, here is what Facebook has to say about me-

Ashutosh took the What's your geek level? quiz and the result is Tech Support

Result says: You're almost there, but not quite. Its all about the gadgets, the gizmos and developing your own website in your spare time.

my nobrainer: Yeah. No doubts and second thoughts about it. I love to drool about gadgets and myself to be a tech nerd.

Ashutosh took the how much of a math geek r u?? quiz and the result is total geek

Result says: dude..u are perfet at math!! being a geek isnt that bad...it shows ur smartness:)

my nobrainer: Happy once again :)

Ashutosh completed the quiz "What's your ideal career?" with the result Creative Arts (Artist/Writer/Actor/Musician).

Result says: Congratulations! You are destined to be involved in the Creative Arts! You are a creative, vibrant and outgoing individual who would prefer being self employed rather than live your life under the shadow of a boss or employee. Sitting in a small office all day is definitely not your cup of tea either as you would rather work in an open and pro-active environment where you can sit back, relax, and let the creative juices flow....

my nobrainer: Now this is something that strikes a deeper chord. A never ending yearning re-kindled one again

Ashutosh completed the quiz "WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE IN LIFE?" with the resultYou are an Angel in Human form..

Result says: “Just your presence is a blessing to those around you, your positive attitude is implacable and radiates change for the better in everything you do and to those around you but everything in its time thus although you may not immediately be aware of your gift everything you do, have done and are about to do is destined to enrich you in a multitude of ways. You have been put on this earth to make a difference use your gift wisely.”.

my nobrainer: YAY. What better thing could I have discovered about myself :) certainly brightened up a working weekend. A truely noble purpose of life, befitting my grand aquarian dream.