remembering papa

दर्द का एक टुकड़ा
अभी तक मॅन में दबा रक्खा है ....

Its been fourteen years, fourteen long years since I lost my dad, and ever since life has never been the same and never will be... there is a deep sense of vaccum that engulfs a part of me, just like an eclipse, a permanent one in this case... a growing of loss was a part of my formative years... and what was even worse was that I tried to hide this and everything that I felt, never acknowledging my feelings even to myself... I was in general angry and confused with the world around and the one within...

I remember being petrified at the age of seventeen when for the first time I had heard Roger Waters sing in a subdued voice, a song that would haunt me for a very long time, echoing in my ears at nights when I would lye tired and emotionally weared out and could never sleep... still remember the hospital corridor where I sat all night filled with silence outside and my head full of noise, these words playing somewhere at the back of my mind....

Daddy's flown across the ocean
Leaving just a memory
Snapshot in the family album
Daddy what else did you leave for me?
Daddy, what'd'ja leave behind for me?!?
All in all it was just a brick in the wall.

The pain that had been diffused for so long had all of sudden, in one moment crystallised in one moment, in these few lines... There is a lot else that I could have remembered and said on this day, a lot better sounding words and pleasent memories, but again that would have been one more coverup... a facade...

लाल सुरा की धार लपट सी कह न इसे देना ज्वाला,
फेनिल मदिरा है, मत इसको कह देना उर का छाला,
दर्द नशा है इस मदिरा का विगत स्मृतियाँ साकी हैं,
पीड़ा में आनंद जिसे हो, आए मेरी मधुशाला।।

Thoughtless thoughts …

Experiencing a wave of thoughtlessness which comes as a welcome break… sitting in the evening with an idle mind and feeling an inner calm is truly a matter of privilege, so I am in no hurry to let this moment go and neither have any intention of a dissection and/or analysis… a no brainer moment J

We often live an oscillating life; either, buried somewhere in the past - brooding, repenting, agonizing or the most killing of all "what if" ,or, tending towards (in true sense of calculus) a sublime future – loaded with all that we wish (to be, to have and escape from)…

And then once in a while there is a moment that stands still in the time frame of the present… and such moments are literally a present (a gift) which should be acknowledged with a smile, a pleasant surprise and then relished… they are just like the delicate sensuous feel of a chocolate melting in the mouth… a pure experience… and that's how exactly they are meant to be enjoyed… these fleeting moments are meant to be fully and thoroughly lived in the present (the now) in full, just like when standing in the rain and getting drenched, soaking up the freshness, the joy and letting the child within us to take over…

So here I am, after so many weeks of making mental note of forcing myself to post something here and couple of times me and the "compose post" page blankly staring each other, I had lost hopes of coming up with something original, something that I would like to write about, and something thats worth sharing… and then on a thoughtless evening a brainwave J