Monday, August 03, 2009

Holding on to the past...

Holding on to the past is something we all do.

There are so many intense emotions that are a inseparable part of our memories, that often it’s hard to think about something from the past and separate the feelings associated with the event. And yet whenever we come across someone trying to overcome and recover from something tragic and unfortunate, the only word of advice that we offer is - move on.

At one point of time I was considered by my friends to be a caring people, who use to be ever thoughtful, full advice and suggestions. At that time on innumerable occasions for varied events that occurred in the lives of people around me, the only advice that I had to offer was - move on. And to my surprise it seemed to be working for all but one person. And that person was me.

Gradually, I came to realize that the grand face that I was putting up in front of so many others was merely a facade, a means that I had devised to keep running away from myself. To keep avoiding myself, my thoughts and my feelings. Seemed ironical to me that a person, who kept advising others to accept things as they had happened in the past and move on, was unable to put his own words to practice.

Now when I see myself, I am no longer the person I was a couple of years back. I no longer have the endless list of friends. No longer do I stretch myself and do anything remotely thoughtful. I have turned into a slight introvert. I like to spend time with myself. There are periods of long silence that I often go through and there is nothing grand about them, they don’t carry any spiritual or higher significance. Those are spells in which I merely do not have anything to express or to share with others around me.

I haven't as yet figured out a way to reconcile with a thousand thoughts from my past and the feelings that they invoke whenever they cross my mind. And I am not even remotely close to finding a solution.

Sometimes knowledge can be a burden. You know there is a problem and you know there is a solution to it and you know how to get started and still you are standing still. There is no reason to it. There is no explanation to it.

Nietzsche has said - "He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how".

I stand on the opposite end of it - I am aware of the how but I cannot figure out the why. And this is not just a head spin of the famous quote that I have done here. I have overcome my lack of creative inspiration by borrowing words from a great philosopher and re-arranging them. This is my problem statement.

I think that the only way to get started maybe to start with my personal search for meaning. I don’t think that I am the only one who has encountered this kind of dilemma. No wonder "Who am I?" is the question that people have been asking for centuries.

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