Parting Thoughts

Spending a very tiring sunday afternoon all alone, this has turned out to be a real crappy weekend. Spend a useless saturday and had a real unwelcome start of sunday. My last weekend here. And still trying to go thru the grind of packing.

Its been 20 months that I have spend in the NCR. Jan 05 Gaziabad -> Feb 06 Job # 1 -> Mar 05 Sec 11 Noida (PG Accomodation) -> May 05 Job # 2 -> June 05 Sleeping/Bored to death in Office -> July 05 Hospital (and 3 weeks of hell) -> Aug Sec 20 Noida (Rented Apartment) -> Sept 05 Roomie tantrums -> Biggest Crush of my life (10th Oct 0523 hrs)-> Foreign lands (Hoping against hope)-> 20th Nov -> 2nd Feb (chance phonecall) -> Mar 06 Open Relationship -> Feelin April heat in Jaipur -> May (phase of personal defeat) -> June (Reflections) -> July (decide leaving it all).....

As always... a lot of ups and downs... a complete emotional roller coaster with its share of chills and thrills... and again a phase of life thats about to get over with mixed feelings

And just when finally had started the process of packup, something pretty much unexpected happened which more than anything else caught me totally off guard. For the first time saw clear cracks in the seams of one single relation which i had been tendering with care which was pretty much unlike me. Sometimes its just some words that can have such a deep impact on ones mind that it simply becomes a irrecoverable emotional hurt. And the worst part is that these words orignate from the personal deamons that both of us have been battling against.... So true are the Floyd lyrics " We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears....... "

Sometimes, it just our personal fears that can drive us to limits and beyond... reminds of the joke, which goes like - There was party going on in full blast on a cruise ship, suddenly a small boys falls off the deck... almost instantly a young man dives in and after a long battle with the might waves and the shark laden seas he is able to rescue the boy... there is a big round of applause and people ask him "so what were you thinking when you jumped ?" and the man answers "My only thought was, how to find the %#&##% who pushed me into water".

Bitter-Sweet Life

Soo long...............

Undercover Analysis

In less than 24 hours I will be once again free. Free from the bondage of a 8.5 hours office routine, which I had been following for the past 38 months. Incidentially, I come to realize that this also approximatly the same time duration that I spend in my graduation (37 months to be precise). So I guess i have completed a cycle of learning and un-learning, and come a full circle. That brings up the next question, in that case what should the next cycle of 18 months be termed as ?????

Several thoughts cross my mind at the sametime. finally to clear the jumble I have to take recluse of the method of elimination as has been summarized wonderfully by Sherlock Holmes "...when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. "

And also something which is in line with the Philosophical teachings of the great Socrates .

So lets start with what all things this phase is not -
01. Break / Sabbatical
02. "Back to college" phase (Apni to pathshala, masti ki pathshala)
03. Freak / Tangential move
04. Settlement move
05. "Me too" drive
06. Pure money driven (MBA=MNC=My Big Fat CTC)
07. Inspired (rather petrified) by "time running out" thoughts (Remember Pink Floyd's - Time)
08. Grown old enough should find a bearing ("Kabhi seriously socha hai kya karna hai tumhe?")
09. "How will I get married ?" (Hindi version is much better "Shaadi kaise tay hogi ?")
10. Management degree spells respect as compare to plain B.Sc ("Sirf BSc se to kaam nahi chal sakta")

And its really hard for my sceptical mind to come to terms with whats left... so will continue from where I am leaving after a short reality break ;o)

Focus :-(

Human ego plays strange games, at times it over rides even the most logical and obvious thought processes in favor of thoughts that you never ever thought…

Ok… well thats to vent out… and damn this constant irritating humming that i have to been hearing for the last 3 hrs from my collegue, some ad jingle :( I am barely able to focus and write....

As for the rest, less than a month now before my course starts. There hasn't been any sudden drastric change eversince the admission was confirmed, instead I see a metamorphosis.

My interest in blogging (read sharing my veiws, has re-kindled). And have got some real constructive, valuable and helpful feedback in this regards from my collegue Gaurav. Made me realise a lot of things about the layout and the contents.

As for the rest.. today my mind seems to be too wayward to focus and write about a single thing.

Ctrl C + Ctrl V and things like that

22 hr 15 mins

Thats the exact amount of time that I need to officially be in office.

Feeling so damn sleepy right now, cant really think about anything at all. And adding to it is the fact that my work station is diagonally oppposite to my manager :(

Looking busy and feeling bored is not an easy task.
Here are some serious thoughts to doze (err i mean ponder) over -> http://www.softwarereality.com/cthulhu/busy.jsp

And just in case if you are finding the task to be too daunting to be handled alone, here are some real helpful suggestions on how to use your workstation pc and several internet resources, as an effective & efficient tool to master the art of looking busy -> http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2003/8/5/1315/19085


NB: thanks Vijeta

Faith

Here is a link to one of the paintings by Salvador Dali, which i has fasinated me forever -> http://www.indstate.edu/ctl/vlessons/dali2.jpg

There are so many times/phases in my life in which i have one thru considerable amount of turmoil and have been swept off by a feeling of absolute despair.

And finally after reaching the ultimate peak, there is a feeling of absolute loneliness. A state which is beyond all feeling, which is reached more often than not after sheer exhauting of all physical, mental and emotional faculities. This is a state of silence. A silence which is meta-physical ; one thats very different in nature from "lack of noise". It has an element of purity in it. Probably a vague parallel to highlight the qualitative difference would be, feeling of calmness upon experiencing a gush of cool breeze in a mountain top as against watching the world sitting in side a frosted glass chamber.

A after attaining this state, all the hopelessness, despair and struggle vanishes; leaving space for something which we always keep running away from and thats "ourselves".

We hardly have the nerve to listen, acknowledge and face our inner voice. So many attempts are made in a span of a single day to sub due anything remotely close. We drown ourselves in innumerable worries and anxiety, which not only clogs so much of our "system resources" but also at the sametime blocks any passage that leads us inwards. Resulting in a reactive state in which we try to look for all things that require inner attention (peace, happiness, love) at all places external, but all in vain.

Finally after all the effort wheb we lay exhausted and completly exerted, there comes a relization thats so natural (sahaj) in nature that entire effort of a life time seems to be in vain.

Asatoma Sadgamaya

Thamaso Maa Jyothir Gamaya

Mrithyor Maa Amrutham Gamaya

Aum Shanti Shanti Shantihi

Meaning: Lead me from the unreal to the real. Lead me from darkness to light. Lead me from death to immortality. May there be peace everywhere.

Second last friday

Fridays have always been much awaited/anticipated day of the work week. And now since i have already resigned and just serving the notice period, the second last friday in office is like a complete sabbatical (i hope that my boss does not read this ;) Two hours in office and already feelin sleepy. A reverse counter has started at the back of my mind (just 06 hr 29 min 58 sec left for the end of the shift) and already day dreaming of the party thats planned for today evening.

For the past couple of days, i am really amazed to see how my work motivation level has taken an exponential southward plunge. Just a couple of weeks ago, no matter what shift i was working, i barely had time even for taking a 5 mins coffee break. Skipping meal breaks and then muching grilled sandwich at the workstation was almost a routine. Even after reaching home calling up fellow associates and requesting them for client follow ups and sitting on a conference call from home during the most weird hours was a normal practise, and was done even without a second thought.

But eversince i have tendered my letter of resignation i have seen an instant dip in my interest/motivation level. This contradiction reminded me of one the motivation theory that we had read in college, McGregor's Theory X and Theory Y . Till some time ago I was in a state thats very close to the one described in Theory Y, which talks about Participative Management, wherein an employee takes complete "ownership" of his work and the complete onus and responsibility of the task assigned is taken by the employee (very readily). This in some way is also linked with a person relating to the higher level needs in the Need Hierarchy Theory and also considers work is natural and can be used as a source of satisfaction->



But now for the last couple of weeks I have succumed to the beliefs highlighted in the Theory X, which talkes about Authoritarian Management style.

Theory X is the traditional view of direction and control. It states that the worker dislikes work and tries to avoid it. The function of management, therefore, is to force the employee to work, through coercion and threats of punishment. The worker prefers in most cases to be directed and wants to avoid responsibility. The main motivator for the worker, therefore, is money.

The above description holds soo much true in my current situation. I can closely relate to at the affect level. There a sudden shift in focus from the Higher to the Lower order needs (Esteem -> Belonging & Safety). And suddenly finding that the extenal acknowledgement and the recognition for you work has gone and adding to that is the fact that your focus and personal priorities are in a flux. Both the external cues and the internal state together add up and generate a condition in which indifference towards work seems to be justified.

I dont say or claim that this is applicable as a universal theory. This just describes my current state of mind and how my thought processes are working right now. Its really fun at times to just be a plain observer to whats going in your head without being judgemental. If I may use the expression "Taking a dip in the stream of consciousness".

Hiring and Blogging

This is one co-relation which never ever crossed my mind ->
http://ckunte.com/archives/2006/07/25/let-us-be-humans

catharsis

Once the exit date from office has been decided, there starts a period of emotional turmoil. You have a feeling of excitement for the next oppourtunity that you are heading towards. Your current job motivation hits an all time low, and you come to an absolute conclusion that whatever you were till now was/is/will be the most torturous job ever. The feeling of monotony is almost unbearable :(

And last but not least, all the pent up feelings that you had for your boss, resurface and you desperatly start seeking ways and means of catharsis.

Found something (although an anti-climax) in this regard ->
http://www.apahelpcenter.org/articles/article.php?id=2

And finally after reading through the above article and doing enough of soul-searching, here are some thoughtful gestures that can be done during the last work week in office so show your appreciation for one and all -

- When two (ore more) people are working a desks that are put next to each other, switch their telephone cords. With all those cables lying around it will take some time before they find that one out!

- Put a peice of onion or a clove of garlic inside the mouthpiece of a phone. Give it some time for it to fester and build up a strong odor. Then call them and keep them on the phone for as long as possible.

- It is allways a good habit to lock your computer before heading off for coffee or a smoke. When someone forgets and leaves a Word document or an email open, type a single word somewhere in the text. “f*ck” or so will do nicely. They’ll never notice and send it out.

- Get a hold of someone's cell phone and change the greeting banner to say "NO SERVICE". Many cell phones have greeting banners on them that you can personalize to say whatever you want them to and it stays on there when you're not using your phone. Also, when there is no service where you are, most cell phone companies have a banner that pops up on your screen saying "no service".

- Take a can of non gel shaving cream, and put it in a freezer. When it is frozen remove the bottom of the can and put it in co worker's drawer. When it melts it expands and explodes all over everything.

- Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into a frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "you suck!". They will usually panick and start scanning for viruses.
- Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc., before they realize what has happened.

- Do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. (You'll have to hide the Windows status bar, and move all their desktop icons into a folder, which you can hide conspicuously in the corner or something.) The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it...sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit!

- This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick in a floppy in there floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.

- Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Preferably a reggae or rap CD. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will autoplay when windows first starts up. The person starting up there PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.

- This is for that special person you just cant stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal e-mail all day. Go into their e-mail and change their defaults to autmatically "blind carbon copy" their boss or supervisor. Heads will roll!

- Try "password securing" someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to "scrolling marque" and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats SHlT" or something to that effect.

- With someone who is on the phone a lot during work - This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpeice inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpeice. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.

- Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection "fish head stew" etc... before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.

- My absolutely most favorite prank I have saved for last. It is so simple to do and yields such nice results. Simply pop out the 'm' and 'n' key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.

ODE TO KUSHWANT SINGH'S FAMOUS TITLE "WITH MALICE TOWARDS ONE AND ALL" ;)

leaving job

One thing is yet to penetrate my thick skin, why is it so throughly impossible for organisations to make the exit process easier, especially for people with relatively lesser work experience (relatively new to the corporate enviroment) who might be leaving job not neccessarily for a better one.

Although unrelated, found an very level headed article, meant for typical emotinally challenged people, like me ;) who tend to get carried away, way to often -> http://monster.typepad.com/monsterblog/2005/05/treat_your_exit.html

Also, one more interesting link, the best thing about this test is the direct relevence and applicability is has, the last section in the test results is "Take Action" (obvious to lagna hi nahi chaheye, love this american logic) -> http://my.monster.com/JobStrengthProfile/Manage.aspx

And here is the 2 mins instant noodles version of the same -> http://tools.monster.com/perfectcareer/

After, so much side tracking.... today i have a meeting with my Line HR, in which we have to decide the exit date and the money i have to pay in lieu of leaving earlier than the prescribed notice period :(

I have thinking (although for selfish purposes) that a person who wants to quit job for higher studies should be given a laxity and treted with consideration as oppose to a person who is quitting to join a different job (who is often considered to be "poached"). There should be policies appicable in these two situations. This again sets my mind adrift, an very broad-based questions starts floating in my mind, "What should be the role of HR Department in an Organisation ?". This is something that needs to be considered/contemplated from a contemporary perspective in an ever changing work environments, where there is a constant pull between the professional/organisational requirements and personal commitments (both careerwise and family related).

Found a generic definition of Human Resource Management -> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_Resource_Management

Still at a loss of ideas relating to issue, probably some time later, with the right mix of theory, past personal experience and enlightment, might get some clarity relating to this issue.......

liberation at last

Just so happy... finally managed to reason myself out

i still find myself haunted by these verses often -
mere khush-numa irado mera saath dena,
kisi aaur se nahi mera khud se samana hai

After working for slightly more than 3 yrs, joining a PGDBA course, both as a respite and a long cherished dream (cant say which of these two is more relevent right now)