Miss you dad...

Its that day of the year which I think about and keep promising to handle in a different and more mature way. Yet the gush of feelings and raw emotions is too strong to be in control.

Its been sixteen years, yet I miss you dad.

People say time heals, yet thats one thing that never seems to work for me. Life to me at times seems nothing more than a journey marred by wounds and scars. A recent setback also validated the same.

The only recourse that I do find is in diverting my mind to other things. That seems to work for me most of the times. And other times, I have found comfort in just letting me be myself, letting my feeling surface and coming to terms with my reality.

Over the years the only difference that I found in myself is that now I no longer try to escape. I am learning to face my self, my loss and my pain.

Perception of Perfection

Someone close to me wrote during a series of intermittentent conversations -

there is nothing perfect in this word..but when u have your own perception of perfection in your mind then life becomes very difficult becoz then its really difficult to adjust in other scenario which according to one is not perfect

So what really should we change, our definition of perception or our perception ?

Any suggestions ???

Reflection in the mirror...

Often even the mirror doesn’t show the reality. We only see what we want to see. It is our perception that we see in the mirror. And perception is nothing more than our interpretation of everything within us and beyond. The looking glass through which we choose to see both the inside and the outside world. If the world seems to have turned sepia all of a sudden, it is because of the tinted lens that we put on and not due to change in world order.

The same holds true for relationships and the way we choose to connect with the world. If we are empty from inside then no matter how complete the other person is, all that we will see is portions of his/ her that are empty too. The glass will always seem to be half empty. The world around us will always seem to have a void. A no matter how hard we attempt to fill the void by filling it with more and more companionship, activities and actions, the feeling of emptiness is going to remain there, forever. And gradually when all our attempts start to fail, we start to head towards despair and hopelessness starts to crop in from all spheres.

The only way to end this misery is look inwards, and accept oneself. Accept oneself for the person we are, for the past we had, our current and past relations, and for all that that constitutes a part of our being. It is only when start the process of accepting and becoming at peace with oneself that we will start to understanding things in a wider perspective and start to appreciate things that form a part of external reality.

And it is only after reaching this stage that we can start to look for a meaning and fulfilling relationship. One which does not bind us down and lead us to despair, but instead, liberates us and pushes us up towards greater heights of love and happiness.

Transient thoughts...

A thought crossed my mind last night -

As long as things keep moving, perceptions don't matter, they are subjective.

At times we are so bogged down by current realities, that we tend to miss out on the bigger picture and the scheme of things from a larger perspective. The only way to get out of the rut of negativity is let a bit of hope slip in and allow things to take there own course.

Bhagwad Gita (Chapter 2, Verse 14) explains the transient nature of the mind (and how to deal with it) in a very beautiful manner-

matra-sparshas tu kaunteya, sitosna-sukha-duhkha-dah
agamapayino ’nityas, tams titiksasva bharata

Translation: O son of Kunti, the nonpermanent appearance of happiness and distress, and their disappearance in due course, are like the appearance and disappearance of winter and summer seasons. They arise from sense perception, O scion of Bharata, and one must learn to tolerate them without being disturbed.

Holding on to the past...

Holding on to the past is something we all do.

There are so many intense emotions that are a inseparable part of our memories, that often it’s hard to think about something from the past and separate the feelings associated with the event. And yet whenever we come across someone trying to overcome and recover from something tragic and unfortunate, the only word of advice that we offer is - move on.

At one point of time I was considered by my friends to be a caring people, who use to be ever thoughtful, full advice and suggestions. At that time on innumerable occasions for varied events that occurred in the lives of people around me, the only advice that I had to offer was - move on. And to my surprise it seemed to be working for all but one person. And that person was me.

Gradually, I came to realize that the grand face that I was putting up in front of so many others was merely a facade, a means that I had devised to keep running away from myself. To keep avoiding myself, my thoughts and my feelings. Seemed ironical to me that a person, who kept advising others to accept things as they had happened in the past and move on, was unable to put his own words to practice.

Now when I see myself, I am no longer the person I was a couple of years back. I no longer have the endless list of friends. No longer do I stretch myself and do anything remotely thoughtful. I have turned into a slight introvert. I like to spend time with myself. There are periods of long silence that I often go through and there is nothing grand about them, they don’t carry any spiritual or higher significance. Those are spells in which I merely do not have anything to express or to share with others around me.

I haven't as yet figured out a way to reconcile with a thousand thoughts from my past and the feelings that they invoke whenever they cross my mind. And I am not even remotely close to finding a solution.

Sometimes knowledge can be a burden. You know there is a problem and you know there is a solution to it and you know how to get started and still you are standing still. There is no reason to it. There is no explanation to it.

Nietzsche has said - "He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how".

I stand on the opposite end of it - I am aware of the how but I cannot figure out the why. And this is not just a head spin of the famous quote that I have done here. I have overcome my lack of creative inspiration by borrowing words from a great philosopher and re-arranging them. This is my problem statement.

I think that the only way to get started maybe to start with my personal search for meaning. I don’t think that I am the only one who has encountered this kind of dilemma. No wonder "Who am I?" is the question that people have been asking for centuries.