Wednesday, August 29, 2007

remembering papa

दर्द का एक टुकड़ा
अभी तक मॅन में दबा रक्खा है ....

Its been fourteen years, fourteen long years since I lost my dad, and ever since life has never been the same and never will be... there is a deep sense of vaccum that engulfs a part of me, just like an eclipse, a permanent one in this case... a growing of loss was a part of my formative years... and what was even worse was that I tried to hide this and everything that I felt, never acknowledging my feelings even to myself... I was in general angry and confused with the world around and the one within...

I remember being petrified at the age of seventeen when for the first time I had heard Roger Waters sing in a subdued voice, a song that would haunt me for a very long time, echoing in my ears at nights when I would lye tired and emotionally weared out and could never sleep... still remember the hospital corridor where I sat all night filled with silence outside and my head full of noise, these words playing somewhere at the back of my mind....

Daddy's flown across the ocean
Leaving just a memory
Snapshot in the family album
Daddy what else did you leave for me?
Daddy, what'd'ja leave behind for me?!?
All in all it was just a brick in the wall.

The pain that had been diffused for so long had all of sudden, in one moment crystallised in one moment, in these few lines... There is a lot else that I could have remembered and said on this day, a lot better sounding words and pleasent memories, but again that would have been one more coverup... a facade...

लाल सुरा की धार लपट सी कह न इसे देना ज्वाला,
फेनिल मदिरा है, मत इसको कह देना उर का छाला,
दर्द नशा है इस मदिरा का विगत स्मृतियाँ साकी हैं,
पीड़ा में आनंद जिसे हो, आए मेरी मधुशाला।।

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  • Mired Mirage said...

    there r some pains which just refuse to go.this pain is like that only. u'll get used to it ultimately but will never get over it. i believe in two things..
    1. ppl live as long as we remember them.
    2. parents live thru their children. what r u? physically u r just the combination of ur mom's and dad's genes.
    hey seems like we have read and liked the same books. the only book that i have not read from ur list is the motorcycle one. its on the list of 'to be read' books.
    thanks for visiting my blog.
    ghubhuti basuti

  • Ashutosh said...

    @mired mirage

    Very aptly put.

    "The flames are all gone but the pain lingers on..." sang Pink Floyd in one there legendary songs (Song Title: Goodbye blue sky, Album: The Wall).

    Its been fourteen years and still the void remains, so I cant say that time heals & that I have got used to it, it still hurts the same way whenever I am reminded. I for one will never be able to get over it, sometimes it also makes me feel that I lack the necessary adaptation skills and stick out of the crowd, but again thats just me.

    However, what I have learnt is to accept these feelings. After a very long phase of abnegation, I am coming to terms with myself. For a long time I was living in a facade, always smiling and pretending in front of others, disguising myself, only to find that at the end of the day when I entered my room and shut the door I was the lonelier than ever before. Tired, drained out and emotionally exhausted.

    The darkest hour is the just before the sunlight goes a saying and it is something that I have experienced. I have (and still am in a process) gone a gradual metamorphosis. Just a stone buried deep beneath the earth surface, which after years of compressed pressure and immense heat, undergoes a permanent irreversible chemical change and transforms.

    I am gradually moving towards a stage where I am ready to live out, accept and share my feelings. People say its not easy to be strong, but I feel its far more difficult to be weak.

    This feels like catharsis. I am feeling lighter and am sincerely thankful to you to give my thoughts a direction and help me put soo much of my feelings into words.


  • anurag said...

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • anurag said...

    That piece of writing was very nicely put into words. This is the first time I am leaving a comment on a blog so I do not know how informal it can get. But as much as and as long as I have seen or known you, I find it as a very positive development. I mean, one come across many horizons, reach there and even look back. See all that happened to you....and then even finally except some. And again you watch ahead... There are again new horizons to be reached or crossed!

    Good job. Keep writing.

  • Ashutosh said...

    Dear Anurag,

    You are free to be as informal as you would like to be.

    It was nice to hear from you, I least expected a response you. Somewhere I had started to believe that you were turning to analytical.

    Yes, I am learning to come out of my shell and let my feeling show. However, the irony is that none of it has happened as I expected it. All that I write comes out of catharsis, its merely a process of purging.


  • Prashant said...

    Very touching Ashutosh, very touching. You should write. My compliments.

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