Tuesday, March 20, 2007


I am amidst an inner conflict. On one hand I am feeling indifference towards a backlog thats looming large on my head, while on the other hand there is certain degree of stress thats looming in my head.

This is not the first time that I am experiencing this. I clearly remember my second year of graduation, where during the entire year I felt an in-built guilt and anxiety due to my previous years backlog in maths. During the entire academic year I lived under great deal of stress which no matter what I did, I was unable to overcome.

Even stranger was the feeling that I experienced the night before the re-exams, I knew I was not prepared well and I also knew that slogging a little bit harder at that moment would be help. Yet, somewhere deep within I felt exhausted and drained out, there was a feeling of being "emotionally drained out". Which I could hardly understand. There was a part of me that had given up and turned numb. This was similar to the kind of numbness a pain killer induces, wherein the pain and cause of the pain exists but the sensation is completely blocked. I knew that there was a part of me that was suffering and was deeply scared and yet I did not have the nerve to face it.

And again after almost six year I am in a similar situation and responding in a very similar way. The only difference is that now despite of my growing cynicism, I have the courage to acknowledge it. And face myself.......

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